


A Physicist of Earth

by OtherCat



Series: Cracked Crossovers [3]
Category: Barsoom - Edgar Rice Burroughs, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-07
Updated: 2007-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtherCat/pseuds/OtherCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney McKay's Adventures on the Red Planet, or John uses "the thingie" in hopes of getting an astronaut. Instead, he gets a physicist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Physicist of Earth

The last thing Rodney saw was Mars, glowing like a radioactive ruby in the sky.

The first thing Rodney felt was a lot of sharp rocks poking him in tender places. The next things he noticed was that the air was hot and dry and that he was bare-assed naked. Rodney yelped, rolled over and scrambled to his feet, squawking when he _bounced._ He was so preoccupied with the sudden gravity failure (standing, stumbling, bouncing) that he failed to notice the most important detail for several minutes; he wasn't alone.

When Rodney came to the realization he was being watched, he immediately covered his privates with the only means available to him and glared up at the smirking reject from a Robert E. Howard novel. The other man was crouched on top of a boulder roughly the size of a bus. He had improbably random hair, slightly pointed ears and a deep, slightly reddish tan with no tanlines. The only thing the other man was wearing was some kind of harness-tool belt, sandals, and jewelry. What looked like a firearm was in a holster at his side and what looked like the handle of a sword was poking up over his right shoulder.

Behind the man, the sky was a deep purple blue, and as Rodney watched, two tiny moons zipped by. "Holy shit," Rodney croaked, and promptly passed out.

Rodney came to wrapped up in some kind of fur, still naked with the added difficulty of being tied hand and foot. The night was full of weird sounds and he could smell something vaguely foodish being cooked on the fire in a big pot. Bran Mak Morn had been joined by a man even taller and redder than he was, and a _very_ tall green and vaguely female four armed giantess with cup-antennae on her head and tusks. Further out were five horribly ugly eight legged dinosaur creatures They were hobbled, and eating something like moss.

Bran walked over and crouched down. "Good, you are awake," he said in clear, if oddly accented English. "Sora was afraid she would have to carry you all the way to Gul."

The not so jolly green giantess said something in a dry tone that made the red giant snort and Bran grin. Without taking his eyes off of Rodney he said something in reply in what Rodney assumed was the same language that spurred more laughter. "Yes, yes, I'm sure it was very inconvenient," Rodney snapped, guessing at the content of the giantess' comment from context. "But not half as inconvenient as being tied up, naked, and surrounded by nudist gladiators!"

Bran laughed. "I am John the Shepherd, the Green Woman is Sora Suul of Thark, the Red Man is Ronon Dex of Sateda," John said, then waited expectantly, a friendly amiable expression on his face that failed to reach his eyes.

"Rodney McKay," Rodney said. "Now that we're on first name basis, why don't you untie me and get me some clothes?" He felt very calm. Very strangely calm--possibly because he was half convinced this was a very trippy (and possibly kinky) dream. "Where the hell am I?"

"Barsoom," John the Shepherd said. "The planet the Men of Earth call 'Mars'."

"There's no life on Mars," Rodney spluttered. "Even if there was, it'd be anaerobic microorganisms, if that!"

John rolled his eyes. "We have machines that supply us with a breathable atmosphere," he said, and made a sweeping gesture that took in the (very loud) desert night, his companions and whatever was bubbling in the pot. "As you can see, we are not microorganisms."

"Okay, whatever," Rodney said. He was willing for the moment to humor the naked guy and his (armed) friends. "How about untying me, and how do you know English if you're a Martian?"

"I'm distantly related to a man from your world, Rodney McKay. My mother taught me the language," John said. "As for the other--" here, John removed one of the bracelets he was wearing and held it out to Rodney. "I will untie you, if you will accept a gift from me."

Something about the looks exchanged by the two other "Martians" made Rodney hesitate. "What's the catch?" He asked suspiciously.

John grinned. "Only that you obey me, and do not try to escape," he said.

"Obey you?" Rodney asked incredulously.

John shrugged. "Or you can remain bound and be carried around like a sack of fruit." Rodney stared at the bracelet. It was a heavy looking gold torc-bracelet set with what looked like chips of obsidian. There was some kind of inscription running along the inside. At least it was a very masculine looking piece of jewelry. John held his bracelet up in the firelight, as if he were trying to tempt Rodney into taking it; _See? Look! Isn't it shiny?_

Rodney sighed, and held his bound hands out. "I'll take the bracelet," he said with ill grace.

John grinned, and slid the bracelet onto Rodney's upper arm, and began to untie him. "It is not cold, and the fur is warm enough, Rodney McKay. We brought an extra harness and sandals however," John said in response to a repeated question concerning clothes. "The harness may fit, with adjustment, but I am not sure of the sandals. Your feet are wider at the ball, with shorter toes than Jack O'Neill."

"Jack O'Neill," McKay said blankly. The only 'Jack O'Neill' he knew of who sprang immediately to mind was an astronaut, but that couldn't be who Bran Mak Morn--John--was talking about, could it?

Apparently, it could. "He was a great warrior of considerable will and wit. His space-ship crashed near Helium, and he was taken to the palace there," John said. "My cousin was very taken with him, and I believe, he with her. Yet, it was you who came, and not he. Has something happened to my friend, to the warrior Jack O'Neill?"

"Er. Not that I know of," Rodney said. His head spun from the idea of Colonel O'Neill in straps and sandals, or maybe it was from hunger and John chafing his wrists and ankles. "Can I get something to eat? I'm hypoglycemic."

After dinner, John handed Rodney a leather harness, and showed him how to adjust the straps and arrange the various pouches. Somehow, the harness just made him feel more naked. The sandals fit, but they definitely needed to be broken in--the stiff leather was going to rub his feet raw. John also gave Rodney a knife. "Can you shoot?" John asked. "I brought Jack O'Neill's radium pistols, which were made by Sora's mother, who is a famous gunsmith among her people."

"No, I can't shoot, I'm a _scientist_ , not a warrior," Rodney said. He very blithely pretended he didn't know that Zelenka went to a shooting range at least once a week, and regularly destroyed all competition at darts. Some of what John had said earlier came back to him, and it immediately occurred to him (though he couldn't say how) that it was entirely John's fault he was here on Mars. Or Barsoom. "Why were you expecting Colonel O'Neill?" Rodney asked.

"I summoned him using a method described by the Warlord of Mars himself. I was able to speak with Jack O'Neill, and he with me, yet it was you who arrived, and not he," John said with a frown. "I would try again but we dare not be delayed further."

It turned out that John and his friends were on a quest to rescue Teyla of Athos and Sam Carter of Helium from someone called The White Goddess. The pair (and their caravan) had been captured by the White Goddess' strange masked warriors and had been taken to her lair, from which no one had ever returned. "Just the three of you?" McKay had said on hearing this, aghast. "Isn't this kind of thing a job for, I don't know, an _army?_ "

John had smiled a lazy, confident smile that McKay wasn't the least bit convinced by. "My friend Ronon is nearly an army by himself, as is Sora. Jack O'Neill is at least worth two armies."

"The army is already on the march," Ronon rumbled, with a slight smile. "We hope to get into the fortress by stealth."

"Ronon is the only man to have escaped alive from the fortress of The White Goddess," John said as proudly as if he'd been the one who'd managed the feat.

"That's all fine and dandy," McKay said. "But if you haven't noticed, _I'm not Jack O'Neill._ "

Of course, infiltrating the fortress of the White Goddess was easier said than done. There were guards marching (Rodney had to restrain himself from chanting "Oh-wee-Oh" under his breath) in front of the huge iron doors of the fortress, and more guards patrolling the immediate area. The plan as related by John was of course insane, and better suited to Flash Gordon than actual strategy, so it was no surprise that the others were captured.

Rodney, who was for the first time in his life stronger and faster than the guys trying to grab him, managed to evade capture and hide. He probably could have high-tailed it to anywhere else, but he didn't have any place to go, and he was obviously suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. (Besides, the minions of the White Goddess were _totally_ Morlocks, and nobody deserved to be a Blue Plate Special.) Sadly, not being a warrior, he didn't have the foggiest notion of what to do.

On the other hand, he quickly learned the palace's layout, and had the patrol schedule timed and completely worked out within a couple days. He'd also located the cell where he was sure the princesses were being kept, but hadn't been able to approach to closely. The door was solid steel, and every so often frantic pounding could be heard, and a lot of swearing (from female voices).

He also found O'Neill, or rather, O'Neill found him. One minute he was psyching himself up to invade the pantry, in hopes of finding something edible that wasn't long pig, the next he was pinned against a wall that squished slightly under his weight. "McKay? What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Urk," McKay said, it being difficult to speak with a forearm pressed against your throat. The pressure lifted slightly and McKay croaked, "your fanboy brought me here to rescue your girlfriend!"

"Fanboy? Girlfriend?" O'Neill asked with a blank look.

"John-the-Shepherd and Sam Carter, respectively. Let me up?"

"Huh? Oh sure." O'Neill moved back. "He tried to use the thingie, didn't he?"

"I have no idea," Rodney said. "Given your extremely accurate description of whatever it was he used to bring me here."

O'Neill gave him a disbelieving look. "On purpose?"

" _Accident._ Do you think I'd be caught dead in this get up?" Rodney gestured emphatically at the harness and sandals he was wearing. O'Neill was in a similar harness, and his skin was painted in streaks of gray and black. Somehow, he managed to not look ridiculous wearing it. "Look, we need to get out of here, there's a patrol coming through here in five minutes," Rodney said.

They ducked into another corridor, with Rodney in the lead, and hid in one of the alcoves. "So, you and John?" O'Neill said, making a vague gesture with one hand toward the arm ring McKay still wore.

"Me and John _what_?" Rodney hissed, but there was no time to reply, because a banshee wailing sounded, accompanied by horns, drums, and a distant, rattling thunder.

"Hah," O'Neill said enigmatically. "C'mon." He handed Rodney a radium gun. "Just aim it toward the enemy and pull this trigger here," the astronaut said, drawing his sword and heading down the corridor at a run. Rodney found himself following O'Neill's wake, heading toward the dungeons where he knew John and the others were being kept.

As they turned a corner there was the sound of an explosion, and they nearly collided with two very very nude princesses. One was tall, blonde and blue eyed, the other was short, and auburn haired. From what Rodney remembered of John and Ronon's descriptions, the blond was Sam Carter, and the auburn haired princess was Teyla of Athos. Both women held weapons they'd obviously stolen from the guards, and were extremely ticked off. "O'Neill!" Sam said, but did not lower the rifle she held on him, nor did Teyla next to her. "You have returned?"

"In the flesh," O'Neill said. "Your cousin's around here somewhere, and the Satedans and the Jaffa Horde are kinda laying siege to the place."

"Bra'tac lives then?" Sam said. "What of Teal'c and Daniel?"

"Look, can we do this reunion slash lover's spat some other time?" Rodney asked, exasperated.

Sam glared at him, and seemed about to say something, but Teyla poked her with an elbow. "Do you not see?"

Sam Carter's eyes widened. "John's ring!"

Rodney was about to question this second reference to the arm ring given him by John the Shepherd, but there was no chance, for within minutes, they were battling for their lives. Masked Wraith warriors seemed to attack from every side, relentless and mindless as army ants. Sam Carter shouted a war cry and leapt at the nearest, with Teyla of Athos not far behind. "Ah Jeez, I hate it when she does that!" O'Neill said, exasperated. "Sam, I got your six!" He shouted, and dove forward.

This left Rodney to watch O'Neill's six, though this mostly involved shouting "look out," where appropriate, and not accidentally shooting anyone in the back. They made it to the cells where Rodney's companions were being held, but John was not there. "He was taken to the White Goddess," Ronon said grimly.

"Stand back, Ronon of Sateda," Teyla said, and shot the lock off the door. Both Ronon and Sora were handed the radium guns and swords that had been taken off of the bodies of the Wraith guards. Thus armed, the now enlarged party made their way to the fortress' throne room.

The throne room was a vast, dark space with a single bright light that shone down in the center of the room. John knelt in that circle of light, teeth bared in rage at the slim, bone-white female that circled him like a cat toying with a mouse. Suddenly she pounced, grabbing John by the throat, one hand raised high. "I will savor your defiance!" She shouted.

Which is when Rodney shot her in the shoulder with his radium pistol. The impact spun the White Goddess half way around, then Ronon blew her head off of her shoulders. Rodney stared in shock. "I hit her. I actually hit her!" He said in amazement.

"Congratulations," O'Neill snapped. "Now let’s get the heck out of Dodge."

 


End file.
